A fellow IBC sister posted this picture on Facebook and I’ve stolen it because it is so true. This is one of the many things I find so surprising about my feelings.
I trust God and I’m angry
I look back over the years of my life and see numerous times when God was there, acting in my life even when I wasn’t acknowledging Him. I can recount numerous times when things seemed to be going in the wrong direction, at least from my perspective, yet now looking back I see the beauty and blessings of those very times. So it is not at all difficult to trust God. I know He is much wiser than I and “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28 NIV. Basically I trust His plan with my life even if I don’t understand it. But I am still angry! This I see as the fully human part of me. Cancer has robbed me of so many things like a Fulbright Teacher exchange to the Philippines; I was diagnosed just six days before I was supposed to leave!
It has robbed me of my energy and along with it my energetic, goofy personality because I just can’t muster up the energy to be the person I was before this. It has robbed me of my confidence in so many ways. The treatment has impacted some of my concentration and cognitive abilities leaving me feeling incompetent or less capable than I was. Not to mention the impact this has had on my body and what that’s done to my once feminine feelings. There is so, so much more but I think you get the picture. This all makes me angry, more angry than I like to admit. God knows I’m angry, trust me He and I have had some very honest conversations about this!
I’m hurting and I’m ok
Most of our married life I’ve told my husband that I better die before him since I can’t imagine living without him. Now that it is likely to be true I wish it weren’t. I know how much he is going to hurt once I die and the fact that I am the reason for that makes me hurt now. I hate the idea of him being in pain and I wish I could shield him from that…but I can’t. I wish I could shield my children, my siblings, my friends, my extended family…but I can’t. Yet, I’m ok because I do not fear death. I know God has prepared a place for me and I trust it will be beautiful. I am also ok because I know I am loved! What a wonderful thing that is!
I’m scared and I’m brave
This one didn’t resonate with me at first because I’m not scared of death. However, I am scared of becoming incapable of taking care of myself and of the process of dying. Brave? Really!? I have had so many people tell me how brave they think I am. I honestly don’t understand that and it makes me very uncomfortable when it is said to me. There is nothing brave about just doing what needs to be done to treat a disease, it simply is what one must do if they want a chance at living longer. This is the attitude I have each time I get an infusion. Though I don’t like how the treatments make me feel I’m still at the point of having more days of feeling fairly well. I do know at some point that will change, when quality of life diminishes. I do hope that time
is a long, long time from now but it is something I will face. When that time comes and I need to make some hard decisions about ending treatment maybe then I will be brave.
I’m anxious and I’m confident
I am anxious because I feel like I’m up against a ticking time bomb. I have so much I want to do and I’m anxious I will run out of time before I get it done. I want to organize the photos for my children. I want to create a cross-stitch for each of my children and my granddaughter. I want to drive to and explore Alaska in my RV. I want to go to Scotland and see the Davidson homestead. I want to spend meaningful time with those I love.
Yet, I’m confident that even if I don’t get all of these things done, I will still enjoy each day along the way. Again, this is a choice I make each day, to grab the day and live it with gusto!
I’m grieving and I’m grateful
Oh boy am I grieving! I’m grieving the fact that it is unlikely I will watch my granddaughter, Ruthie grow up. I was so looking forward to being a grandmother! I had all sorts of ideas about how cool I was going to be and the fun things I would do with my grandchildren. Every parent knows the profound love one has for their children, but I now know that love is even greater for one’s grandchildren. My grief is profound, just as my love for her is. Yet I’m grateful to feel well right now and be able to spend whatever time I can with her (though it’s not enough). I’m grieving the years I will lose growing old with my husband. I was looking forward to being that cute, old couple holding hands as we slowly and carefully walked down the street.
Anyhow, I’m grateful my granddaughter will likely be too young to feel the pain of my death. I’m grateful that I know my time is limited. Yes, all of our time on Earth is limited but I now know my time is much shorter than I had expected. This forces me to embrace today and each day. In many ways it has given me some relief from the stress of worrying about a recurrence which I knew was more likely than it wasn’t. I’m relieved of the stress of worrying about whether my retirement savings will last me until I’m 90. I’m grateful that my husband is all in with me on doing some of those things we had planned to do when we retire. I’m grateful I have time to take care of things so my husband and children don’t have as much to worry about when I die. I’m grateful I have lived long enough to raise four amazing sons! I am painfully aware of the fact that many young women get IBC and do not get to see their children grown; for some their dreams of having children are taken away by this disease. My mother did not get to see all of her children grown! I am also aware of the numerous blessings and benefits I’ve had in my life that my mother never had. I’m grateful for my mother and choose to believe we will be reunited in heaven.