Five years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 3 inflammatory breast cancer at the age of 36. I was a busy working seemingly healthy mom of two and suddenly I was a cancer patient. I hated taking something for a headache and here I was facing chemotherapy. I would learn that this healing journey would be just as much an emotional and energetic one as it is physical. There have been layers of emotions I’ve processed since the beginning of my diagnosis. Five years in there’s still more, but I think that’s the way it is with healing. More comes to your conscious attention when you’re ready to process it.
Over the last couple of months I’ve had two intuitives, Erica O’Connor and Sarah K. Grace, tell me I have a fear attached to dying. My immediate response was, “No, I don’t. I don’t fear dying. I know where I’m going when it’s my time.” But when I really started reflecting about death and dying and asking myself what I fear the most, I realized the fear associated with death was actually the fear of abandoning my children.
As a child, my mother left at different times of my life for months at a time. Subconsciously, abandoning my children is one of the worst things that I could ever do as a mother. Even though death can certainly be out of our control, the thought of not being here for my children was triggering something from my own childhood. Once I put this together, I felt the burden and fear lift. I saw a violet flame of purification over my body in my mind’s eye.
It’s no coincidence that this realization is coming the week before the anniversary of my own mother’s passing. By finally understanding and witnessing this fear I can release it. The reality is that my children would never be abandoned because none of us are ever alone. We have angels and guides and ancestors and God and Jesus. None of us in even our darkest moments of loss or pain are ever alone. This fear is based on the thought that as mothers we are everything to our children and we are extremely important. There’s no denying that. However, knowing that even in death my children are fully loved and supported…that’s faith. That is providence. It’s surrendering even more to God and expanding my knowing of what many consider to be unseen.
Just as we attach to our parents as babies determining an attachment style that will carry with us for the rest of our lives, I see God that way also. Faith is a foundation. It’s a support to lean on when we don’t understand how to move forward. Knowing that I’m loved no matter what happens to this physical body is a gift. Knowing that we are eternal beings and this is just a temporary experience brings comfort. We are all a garden of God’s grace. I’ve had the most transformative healings when I’ve surrendered to God and asked for him to flow through me. I didn’t ask for guidance. I didn’t ask for God to use me, but to flow through me. We are his vessels and nothing is without purpose.
Releasing the fear of abandoning my children doesn’t mean I’m accepting anything other than many years of loving life ahead of me. However, it does remove a layer of fear and worry that takes away from my joy of today. My mother’s middle name was Joy. I’m perpetually climbing out of the muck that life can throw at us and turn my attention instead to the light, the joy, the grace and the good in this world. There is no battle, no fight, no resistance. It’s a journey of surrender and that for me has been the space where healing happens.
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