As I sit here writing this, I am 9 days away from a surgery I have been waiting 3 years for. Back in 2021, I had a right mastectomy and I had asked for the left to be taken as well, but it was declined, being told it wasn’t a necessary procedure (even though to me, it was. This is a topic for another time, but I have lots to say on it). Looking back, I wish I had pushed for it, but I was still amid the chaos and my brain wasn’t there. I was still focusing on just surviving.
I have been with one breast since then and although I’ve become used to it, I am still uncomfortable looking in the mirror. I see the amputation that took place, the scars and what the radiation has done to my skin. I am flat there as inflammatory breast cancer involves the skin and it all had to be taken. Not only am I looking at that, but I’m also looking at an extra almost 40 pounds gained during treatment from medication and drugs, chemotherapy, lack of activity (as I could hardly get off the bed most days), and tamoxifen that I am on now, which makes it really hard to lose weight. I absolutely do not see the woman I was before my diagnosis. It feels like there is a stranger living in my house and the only time I really see her is when I look in the mirror. Some days I’m startled to see her, some days I’m angry and most days I have no real thoughts as I have gotten really good at shutting off my feelings about her. She is a constant reminder of the pain and absolute fear I went through and how she betrayed me by trying to kill me. Why would I welcome her into my home? But then some days I look at her and I am so thankful to her for not letting me die. For fighting to get rid of the unwelcome guest in my body and letting me watch my daughter grow up. Asking her to not let the cancer come back so I can grow old, trying to make a pact that I know she can’t say for certainty she will be able to keep. Talk about messing with your mind.
This is a reason why toxic positivity can be so damaging to cancer patients. We don’t want to sit and think like this all the time, but these are thoughts and feelings that are all a part of the journey and there is no way of stopping them from coming. To tell us differently makes us feel like we are misguided in our feelings, and we aren’t trying hard enough. Believe me, we are trying, we really are, but brains are complex, and we are scared. It’s like trying to stop a speeding train at a dead stop, you can’t do it and if you try you get run over and that makes it even more painful. It is that insane up in there, I don’t recommend taking a trip to my mind as it can get pretty wild. I’ve learned to let whatever feelings I have come up, sit with them and feel them all and move on when I can. No pressure, if it takes a few days, then so be it. Will I ever get over those thoughts and feelings, maybe someday, but right now, it’s all still up there floating around. I try to put it all into a nice, tightly sealed package, open a door in my mind and throw it as far as I can. That door slams shut, and I lock it hoping never to open it again. But sometimes it feels like those thoughts and feelings turn to smoke and drift out under the door with enough of the smoke accumulating to make me open it to see what is on fire.
The surgery I am getting is a left mastectomy (yes, they finally agreed) and DIEP surgery. The DIEP flap procedure uses skin and fatty tissue (I have enough of that now, thanks cancer) from the lower abdomen to reconstruct a breast. This is a big surgery and a long recovery time. It can also fail which would leave me with no breast at all. It’s risky like all surgery can be, but once my surgery is done and I have breasts again, I know in my mind that will help part of the problem. For me, I need my breasts. Some of the thoughts I can experience leave me feeling less of a woman now that one of my breasts is gone and my body is like I have never seen it before. These are thoughts I try not to dwell on, but let’s be real, having a breast amputated and an extreme weight gain out of your control makes that hard to do. I thought long and hard about if I wanted to go through with this surgery. Do I want to take the risk of extensive surgery? Do I want to be in pain for weeks? Some women choose to remain flat or with just one breast but in the end, I decided to proceed with my surgery as that is what felt right for me. It’s a personal choice for everyone and this is what will help me feel a little more like me again.
I am working hard to get my body back to how it used to be, although I know it will never be the same. Cancer changes you, mind, body & right into the depths of your soul. You are never going to be the same and that can be hard to wrap your mind around. Day by day my mind fights with itself, but I know in the end, I won’t let the awful thoughts win. They can set up camp for a little bit, but in the end, I know I am stronger than those thoughts and they will never be allowed to stay for long.